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Quotes

Art

"By a curious confusion, many modern critics have passed from the proposition that a masterpiece may be unpopular to the other proposition that unless it is unpopular it cannot be a masterpiece."

Cats

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."

Christianity

God hears all prayers, and God answers all prayers. But sometimes God's answer is "no."

"Preach The Gospel at all times. When necessary, use words."

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

"We have no cause to be ashamed of the Gospel of Christ; but the Gospel of Christ may justly be ashamed of us."

"I am as my Creator made me, and since He is satisfied, so am I."

"You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do."

Computers

"Home computers are being called upon to perform ... the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog."

Creativity

"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." -- Einstein

Drugs

Problems with marijuana include short term memory loss, problems learning, distorted perception, difficulty thinking and problem solving, loss of coordination, increased heart rate, and short term memory loss.

Edjumacashun

"He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever."

Fame

"You have to know how to accept rejection and reject acceptance."

Fashion

"A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat."

Friends

"I ruined a futon like that once..."

"You are simultaneously one of the nicest people and most caustic a--holes I have ever met."

Nothin' that I like better than a good cronjob!

I am Neil Diamond!

Humor

If you can't laugh at yourself, someone will do it for you.

"I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing."

"I feel if a person can't communicate the very least he can do is to shut-up!"

"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet."

"We have enough youth, how about a Fountain of Smart?"

Innovation

A turtle may live for hundreds of years because it is well protected by its shell, but it only moves forward when it sticks out its head. -- Ricardo Semler

Internet

Be great! Or at least link to something great.

"We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true."

Life

"Look for the ridiculous in everything, and you will find it."

"I hope that while so many people are out smelling the flowers, someone is taking the time to plant some."

"The real evil isn't the Hitler. The evil is the good German. The evil is all those people who could've just picked up the goddamn telephone and stopped it."

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

There are no coincidences.

"I am a deeply superficial person."

Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.

Today I broke my personal record for 'consecutive days alive!'

You've got to laugh, or you'll cry...

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

Procrastinate Now!

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

"Take care of each other, stay strong, find some time to play. Don't let God laugh alone."

"The world is full of people whose notion of a satisfactory future is, in fact, a return to the idealized past."

Men

"The real evil isn't the Hitler. The evil is the good German. The evil is all thenses slowly, and one by one."

Mental Health

"My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia."

Misc.

If you can't see my mirrors, I can't see you.

Always obey posted speed limits.

On time is when I get there.

The truth behind the curtain.

I'll be here all week folks! Tip your waitress! Try the veal!

"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking."

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."

"There is no monument dedicated to the memory of a committee."

Ninety-six percent of all percentages are made up on the spot.

"Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair."

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

I heard the voices in my head before it was trendy.

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Don't say, "Sorry," say, "Tough Shit!"

Money

"If you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the people He gives it to."

Movies

"No one's really going to be free until Nerd persecution ends."

"We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams."

Personal

"Guess what, mom? Your car does three-sixties!"

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Spirit

We are spritual beings on a human journey.

Life on Earth is an allegory.

Trust in God, but lock your car.

"We are here on Earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don't know."

"Everyone is as God has made him, and oftentimes a great deal worse."

Sports

"Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein."

The Casey

"That's no cat, it's a space station"

Truisms

You can't get blood from a stone.

"Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us worthy evidence of the fact."

"If you're not annoying somebody, you're not really alive."

"There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on."

"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."

Experience is a difficult instructor. It gives the test before it teaches the lesson.

There's a difference between being anal retentive and having your head up your ass.

"It's easier to build boys and girls than to mend men and women."

All good things must sell out.

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

"By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."

"It is our responsibilities, not ourselves, that we should take seriously."

"Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from."

"Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source."

"People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like."

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

TV

"Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it."

Weather

"Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation."

Work

Nothing shows more respect than firing someone in person.

"Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it."

"Don't tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and let them surprise you with their results."

"If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm."